chocolate or strawberry?

randomness, Self


How does one make decisions? What is the process? writing the pros and cons..evaluating them..weighing priorities ..

coming to a conclusion..

but when your brain has tied all the loose ends into a tidy little bow..

and you are feeling mighty pleased about the achievement..

the heart pulls a little nagging string.. at the very edge..

so tiny you don’t see it ..

because that’s the thing with the heart..

it doesn’t like to impose..

it won’t state out loud..

it will be shy ..

it will hope and wait for it’s turn

which we rarely give it..

and then when we don’t.. decides to win.





does age reduce creativity?

wanting to write and being able to write are completely different things now..

that wasnt the case.. words would flow.. they would capture me in the oddest of moments.. not necessarily beautiful words or thoughts to move anyone.. but words nevertheless.. they used to be my friends.. my companions in the solitude ..

now they seem to have de-friended me..

age was easiest to blame.. but maybe it is life..

maybe it is getting caught in this trauma of a daily routine..

of running madly..

not having a dream.. or being afraid to have one..

or finding them too hard to accomplish and just burying them in the sand..

now washed away by the tides..

with no time to look for new ones..


randomness, Self, Thinking out loud

You guys rock!


We lose a lot of things as we grow older. And as traumatic as losing hair and waistlines is, I think the most tragic loss is the ability to trust. From a loud, outgoing teenager with a large circle of friends, I went to being a practical hermit talking to barely anyone all day with a social life of negative 20. My excuses were a busy life, no common interests, bad weather, no car and so on and so forth.

But the truth is, I gave way to fear and stopped trusting. Because I got hurt. Too many times. And I convinced myself that no one cares and there is no one left. Essentially doing the age old blunder of letting the mistakes of a few affect my relationships with people who had done nothing wrong.

And I tell you people, big mistake. Because fear made me lose out on the awesome people who were already in my life. It hit me last night. Even though I have this blog for more than a year, apart from a couple of people I had never really shared it with anyone who knows me. With the resolution that this year I am going to intentionally change my life, I took another step and put it up on Facebook. And within the hour there were comments from friends, old and new. Who I havent seen in years. They took the time to visit here and say kind words.

Overwhelmed. To say the least.

of promises kept..

musings, photography, Travel

There are times in life when we need a do-over ..or rather we are forced to have one..
Dreams are shattered..
Plans don’t work out..
Priorities need adjustments..
or a complete change in life expectations needs to be made
and we are left with..what now?

These are hard times and there is no one or nothing to blame except circumstances. While going through one of these, I made a promise to myself sometime ago..
At that point I was so devastated that I did not think I could keep that promise for years to come..
but I did..
and more than anything.. it was a lesson in self discovery..
that we are far more stronger and resilient than we give ourselves credit with..
that we aren’t easily defeated..

I did go to Venice..
without my guy.. which was what I had dreamt about as a starry eyed 16 year old..
but kids don’t know everything … 🙂


musings, Self, Thinking out loud

yellow dust storms mark the days..
followed by pitch black nights..
with stars
and lots of heat…
never knew the night can be so hot
(oh the ways that line could be interpreted)
and oh so sadly
i mean the actual heat
which puts every skin cell on fire alert
when the power cuts off
the deathly silence
pierced by a truck horn played as a song
on the nearby highway
me alternating between wide awake and glazed out sleepy..
the mind running on ‘repeat’..
‘this is not right’

Mere des ki dharti..

Self, Thinking out loud

Image courtesy Darshi @

Image courtesy Darshi @

I always wonder if there is an age, when we start trusting ourselves to make big decisions, without freaking out. The myriad of answers that I have received to this question ranged from, ‘become ageless’ to ‘ignore the problem till it goes away’. As you can see, I have the most brilliant friends.

The reason for the preface is I am dealing with one such decision. Current state of affairs is such, that I am trying to understand the need for man to be near his roots. More specifically, spending his later life in the place where he grew up. My father has always maintained that when we reach middle age, the need to be at home increases and if not satisfied, may destroy even the strongest of people. Its an emotional need and one that you cannot really suppress. I am young, so I will not understand it till I get there. Now he is twice my age and has seen a lot more of the world, than I have. So I want to listen to this logic and shut up. But the truth is, I want to know why. Why do we feel this need? I mean even in my 7 years away, India has become a totally different place than I knew it to be. The friends that I used to have, have moved away or are no longer in touch. Family has been dispersed. The work culture has changed, the social pattern and lifestyle has changed. Today even in India, you need to call up people if you want to visit them. If someone says, ‘leave me alone’, you leave them alone. You no longer hang out at the ‘katta’ on your bikes, go to malls. So what I know to be ‘home’, is now a very different place, with which, I am not acquainted at all. And I will need to actually ‘adjust’ to living there again. But not withstanding these reasons, I will apparently feel that I should be going back.

And I am not disagreeing to this. I have seen it. Even a lot of people here in the US, after going through their careers, go back home to their small towns or big cities or wherever. My cousin who has been here for more than 15 years and is extremely successful has started feeling the need to return to India. And frankly, even I know that, I will be back there soon.

But no one has an answer to the why.. Why the willingness to give up a settled and sometimes even prosperous life and start a new life all over again in a place you hardly recognize anymore?
What is it, that ties man to his roots?

So you think you are special?

Self, Thinking out loud

The middle class was the worst gift that the British gave India. Referred to as the working class in other parts of the world, it is a class of people the British created by using Indians to do their clerical jobs and keep them in line. Providing them with enough to gain their gratitude and in return asking for their subservience in their regime. After 60 years of independence, the situation is improving, they are becoming more educated and gaining financial stronghold. The recent surge in the consumer economy of India is a direct reflection of the increase in the improved life style of the middle class. So there is a change. But to a large extent, that change is ostensible. It is more of a rolling ball effect rather than a propelled one. And there lies my problem. Because the mental fabric of this group of people is still the same.

The ideas and concepts of life are confined to a square. And unless you are deemed special by society , you need to follow those rules or you are a social outcast. I have seen this up close. My parents however are far more progressive than their peers. I was given a lot more freedom to think and learn whatever I chose to and live as per my rules. But when it comes down to major life decisions, the square comes right back to suffocate. They eventually feel the pressure. Anyone who seeks to ask why, to dare, to take a risk and be something even slightly different from the norm is looked upon with suspicion. The list of ‘should’ rules our lives.

There is black and white differentiation between people who follow the rules and those who don’t. I am a cause of pain to my family because I think who I marry is far more important than, when I marry.. or because I actually like being independent. This causes me immense guilt. I would love to change these viewpoints…mine and theirs. Which however would call for conflict. When a tree is deep rooted, the only option to change its position is uprooting it. Which I would never want to do to my family. Because they are not bad people and I love them. They cannot be blamed for the ideas that were ingrained in them. They can be blamed for accepting those ideas without question. But then, they never felt the need to. So asking them to change their core today is basically the same thing as them asking me to go against my dreams.

So what is the solution? All I can see is that I have no choice for myself if I want to keep my family intact. I have the choice of giving my children the choice. However I am one person. And I do hope there are many more like me. But I see a lot of my peers think the same way as the elders. A friend told me he wanted a wife who will never go against his parents’ wishes. Another one said that he will hire bodyguards to keep his young daughter away from boys at school. Which is really disheartening.

Now, resistance to even a slight change in pattern, is nothing new. We have seen this happening in history all the time. It just pains me to see that this is still happening. That history has not taught us to be open minded. To accept that life is not a set of rules. Or is it the same fact that scares us? Because then we will be forced to actually be original..